Normally, I’d take off today…enjoy a few Twilight Zone episodes (for those of you that don’t know, the Sci-Fi Channel runs a TZ marathon every 4th of July [yes, that makes me a nerd]) before heading to my uncle’s house to celebrate his birthday (today is his 50th), but I had such a wicked dream that I’m compelled to write about it. The psychological undertones are vast, which makes it all the more interesting.
The dream begins on a boat (most likely because I fell asleep watching The Deadliest Catch). Characters are in the dining area being introduced to one another. It’s like a 1940‘s World Fair, with some modern tweaks. There I am, the spitting image of Sienna Miller, introducing myself at Joanna Black…and in the dream I AM JOANNA BLACK (that’s important). A woman who looks like a slightly darker, slightly taller version of me keeps asking me, very pointedly, “Are you SURE you’re Joanna Black?” “Yes,” I reply meekly, recognizing something haunting about her, like a memory you’ve tried so hard to push away.
It turns out that everyone on the boat has some sort of mutant or super power, like X-men, but with some not-so-spectacular talents in the mix: I recall a man who could walk through walls, a woman who could read minds, along with some really sinister people and circus freaks. Then there was me. I, for some reason, didn’t know my superpower.
The day turns into night and I’m being hunted by the men on the boat. Too innocent, too fragile and scared to sleep alone, I rush to the room where some of the mutant woman are. They put my in the bathtub (it’s a dream remember, most of it makes no sense) and tell me to hide. All the while I’m thinking, “I have a super power, why can’t I remember it, why can’t I protect myself?!” I’m shaking, curled in a ball, loose strands of blonde hair are falling into my face as the curtain opens.
I’m frightened as one of the men picks me up, clearly ready to attack. And then…I get angry. Very angry. And quickly. As though I’m Venom, a blackness envelopes my body and I become the woman I met earlier. Fierce, haunting, scary, evil, and very powerful. Nothing could stop me. Everyone was afraid…there was nothing anyone could do.
I miraculously changed back into Joanna Black; the Sienna Miller version. Crying in the shower. Scared again, and not remembering what happened. The woman comes back, “Who are you?” she asks, pulling me out of the tub. “I’m Joanna Black,” I tell her again. “Are you sure?” I shake my head. “Yes, yes I am.”
Curious dream time-line allowing, I find myself in an archive. Still being hunted and trapped on this boat without understanding why I’m there, why people want to hurt me and why this woman keeps following me around.
Another incident occurs in the archive. I start off scared, then get angry, the Venom suit surrounds me, and I destroy my assailant. I wake up changed back, shaking. “But how do we kill her?” I overhear someone say. “We have to attack her when she’s Joanna Black, there’s no way to kill her otherwise.” Suddenly it dawns on me, I stand up, start looking through things; I’m not only Joanna Black, I’m this woman, this Hulk-Venom (albeit way sexier) character that no one can stop. I’m both good and evil. All this time, she’s been asking me if I’m Joanna Black, because she is too, and we can’t both be the same person, standing face to face, could we? Doppelganger’s. Though she’s trying to protect me from the world, I’ve been trying to rid myself of her, to protect myself from her (oh this is so psycho-somatic). I begin to realize that when I’m in danger, I trigger this other me and lose my real self in the mix.
In the end, the sweet Sienna version wins (with the help of Julia Roberts [weird!] who’s power is to ward off evil spirits with some sort of mist) and I defeat my Doppelganger…but it doesn’t stop the hunt for from anyone else. People still want to capture me. Without my Venom-sister, I’m left vulnerable. ”Who are you?” a man who looks like Donnie Darko asks as he’s shaking me, hard as though trying to anger me. “I’m Joanna Black.” I reply softly…just before fainting.
I woke up shortly after that. I suppose this all means that there is a a battle, between who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I don’t think there were only two representations of me in that dream, but three, which is so fitting because that is my struggle right now. I know I should be embarrassed to share such an intimacy in a public forum for all to see, but how could I be? I think we all have a little of this in us, a little good, a little bad, a little fight, and a little weakness (or maybe a lot of one or the other). After all, it’s about how you build strengths and negotiate life that makes you one way or the other. A super villain, a super hero, or just a girl trying to survive, if you keeping fighting, you’ll find that you can change.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE!
