Have you ever wished you could give yourself a lobotomy? Just take a certain memory or part of your life and just cut it out? I’ve ALWAYS been one to say that every mistake you learn from helps shape you into a magnificent work of art. The theory that we are all a block of wood or unpolished stone and every experience whittles and smoothes us. But I have this one thing, this part of my life…the WORST part of my life…that manifested such an unbelievable echo of me that it’s almost like a movie…like it wasn’t real. The only lesson I can seem to salvage from the memory of this time is loss…the great pain of abandonment and absence because I couldn’t admit how broken I was when it was all happening.

Rebuilt and renewed, sometimes I look back at it and I laugh, which is deplorable because it’s not funny at all, but I laugh because when I think about it it’s so abstract, so far removed from who I am. It happened in such a small fraction of time that I can’t imagine something that detrimental occurring like that. (My life, no matter what gains I make, will be empty for eternity.) It’s like looking into an alternate universe. You know the one’s on the Sci-Fi Channel that are just bizarre reflections of how things could be, showing you what your doppelganger is like on planet Mars? So it’s like a joke I played on myself. Except it isn’t. And that’s when I cry…no matter where I am it hits me and I’m weeping like someone’s torn a child from my womb….and can’t believe what I’ve done…and wish I could just rip it from my mind. One grand mistake that left everything changed. That will never be forgiven. That can never be erased no matter how deep I dig or hard I scrub.

And then there are the dreams I have which torture me the most. The moments when my subconscious takes over and I’m envisioning things as they should be…as they could be if lobotomy’s were still chic…