Why does five months feel like a lifetime in some ways and only moments in others? A never ending, perpetual darkness with only glimmers of light (or amnesia); but then the pain is so fresh, like it only happened a second ago…a wound that scabs and bleeds in an uncontrollable cycle. Every day I wake up with the promise of a re-birth, my moment as The Phoenix, but it’s near impossible not to want to share those triumphs and that’s what brings me back to what’s been lost.

How do you fix something that is beyond repair? How do you cultivate an open mind around mistakes? And what happens when you’re doing this all alone? Nothing gets fixed with only one component, but for how long should you try? When do you finally give up? Even when enough is enough and the words “no hope” have entered the conversation, how do you make yourself believe it when your heart tells you otherwise? When you start to tell your friends, “No, I tried that. I AM fighting. I know that’s what I want.” but it’s just eerily echoing through a phone or an email, how do you have the strength or, I suppose, the WISDOM, to just let go? I NEED TO KNOW HOW PEOPLE GIVE UP THEIR DREAMS.

Like a heavy ocean wave, I feel that’s what will be…it’s impossible to stay afloat without a lifejacket…and the harder you fight the closer you are to drowning. And that’s the choice I’m faced with really: fight and prolong the suffering or just give up and drown….either way I end up dead.