Having tried everything to accept the  hopelessness, there is still something inside of me that prevents it. After months of searching and prodding I still think there’s a way… if only he had a will. But, I’m still mourning; still crying myself to sleep most nights or soughing little whimpers in the darkness. I’ve done everything I can, I can’t go any further than I have. I’ve run out of reasons to try, having been so unsuccessful with my small gestures…just HOPING to talk a little bit about it, like we said we would. But I’m only talking to myself most days, so I decided to put everything on the line in a video entry. Talking to a screen is more generous than talking into my pillow at midnight.

I just cried the entire time, gasping for air, and fitting in words that still somehow fail to capture the essence of what I’m trying to say. I watch it over and over and its heartbreaking to see what I’ve done to myself, how wrought I am, how distressed, how empty…and after so long, I’m just frightened that I’ll never be whole again. Even when the future is bright, it seems that shadows are only inches away…I can’t escape it. And so I foolishly thought if I spoke these words rather than write them, it would be cathartic…all the things I want to be heard might be…and maybe if I was really lucky, my wrenching confession would illicit a response…and maybe because I’ve been living with the purest heart I’d get the very thing that would make me happy again…the words that I NEED to hear.

But I’m too scared to post or send my video…too afraid of appearing weak or desperate. And I’m forced to play a game I hate, the sort of game that you always lose because you’re living a lie. You become trapped by propriety and the desire to appear cooler than you really are. The type of lie where you can’t do anything your heart is telling you to because you’re adhering to someone else’s rules. And it’s self destructive to keep moving along the board and rolling the dice, because how can you win something you’ve already lost?