How does a girl who falls, no jumps, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos, come out unchanged?

That is what I’ve been asking myself every day for the last few months. I’ve spent a lifetime looking for the truth and I all I did was become the lie.

You look so hard for something that when it finally arrives you’re too scared to see it. And now I’m so weak that I see it all clearly.

I’ve always been sentimental when I’m sick; every cold,headache, and bruise means more to me than the average person and when I’m truly stuck in bed barely able to breath is when things usually come into perspective for me.

I read Jane Austen novels and drink orange juice, hoping that, like hers, my characters, after a little difficultly, will have everything they desire.

I think I read about love because I don’t understand a thing about it really. I always thought that true love needs to be tested to the limit. That we all have to prove it through trials and tribulations. Perhaps that sounds abusive. Maybe it is. I just remember being told a few months in that I was it; that he was done looking now. And how do you believe in that so soon? And what do you do to stop a leviathan when you’re trying to get your bearings? Am I to believe that true love is the uncomplicated kind? Or is that just love without affection?

Ahh, but like I said, I was searching so hard for the truth that I became the lie, and we both failed because of it.

And afterwards, I jumped and threw my boomerang out…and it never came back to me. I was so sure it would this time.

So the answer is, finally, that she doesn’t come out unchanged. She falls and hits the bottom and then picks herself up. Like she always does.