Since April I’ve been thinking a lot about love. At first it’s those wonderful musings about how lucky you are to have it, then comes the pain of having either lost it or burned it into the ground, assuming you don’t live happily ever after.  And then if you’re very introspective you get to think about about how hard you’ve been trying and how little use it’s been in terms of moving forward with some sort of amicable resolve; and it really brings to mind just how many people rush into “I love you’s.”

 If someone’s heart is broken within only months of knowing them, is it fair consider that perhaps they pushed a little too hard too soon? Is it always one person’s fault? And is it really doing anyone any good when one person walks away feeling like they gave EVERYTHING and the other gave NOTHING? People don’t acknowledge how frustrating it is to be pushed into something you’re not ready for. Love is not a big job promotion, there is a lot more to lose and you need to proceed with caution.

 And when you push and point the demon finger at someone who just entered with a little more frivolity, what is it you’re really aiming for? Do you JUST want to get married? Or do you want to marry X? And what kind of person throws their love around just so they can stop looking?

I spent months feeling like the worst person on the planet and have only come to realize that I’ve been feeling bad about some things that I shouldn’t. I still have to admit there are things that I’ve done in my life which were wrong, I won’t pretend otherwise, but the signs where there  and subtleties need to be picked up on. When they’re not it becomes a battle: someone says “love” and the other whispers “friends?”; one says “marriage” the other replies “I’m damaged goods”; then he’ll say, “I keep trying to push past whatever is that’s keeping you from letting me in” and she’ll start to think, “why are you trying so hard to break in? Give me some time and I’ll just open the door.”  

But she only opened the door after she got him to slow down, and the only way to slow a bulldozer is to put a mountain in front of it.

And mountains, she’s learned…are just too hard to move.