Have you ever re-visited something you created and shake your head at it, wondering what ever made you put that together in the first place? I try to re-read my pieces from time to time, and I do that very thing. Most recently I realized that I wrote a post that doesn’t at all speak to my heart; I was just really sad and hurt and needed to find some sort of cathartic process to release some of those feelings. You get so tired of the pain and the wanting for forgiveness, that you start to build up walls again and then you think that maybe this perfect person will never actually forgive you because you’re still so fragile. I’m mostly found, with a bit of lost and that’s not really going to change so I guess…I guess, there is no hope. What I have to do now is find a pure way to live in that void. In a way, I know that’s how I will always be. I have to admit that part of me will always seek, will always question some part of my existence, but that it isn’t the same questions and doubts that I had months ago. Yet, I’ve learned that you really don’t ever get a second chance, even if you truly earned it.

I’ve also just realized after re-counting the days that I’ve loved that which I’ve lost for longer now than I had loved it when it was holding my little paw. That I don’t think I will EVER have the right words; that I can blog in pure streams, but every time I try to actually articulate what my heart and mind wants to say, I just scribble; that there’s really no value in achievement when you don’t have that person by your side; and language is such an imperfect instrument that I’ll never be able to find the words to tell you that I’d do anything for you to just hold my hand for a moment….

All the good that’s happened and the bad that I’ve overcome, means nothing without you by my side. And no matter what I write, or what I tell myself to try and move on, or how much time passes, and how I’ll come to learn that you’ve found some female Linton…this is what it is for me….and this kind of unrequited love is what makes me strong, not weak…even if it hurts so badly I can barely breathe.