“Hope can be dangerous.” An old friend said that to me…and he was right. Hope, when it’s lost, ABSOLUTLEY crushes the soul. Am I a fool to believe that I actually earned a bit of  compassion? I tried again to make amends, or at least be frank in matters of the heart. But rejected again, my spirit now feels like a smog that suffocates all that’s good in the world. Dark, heavy, ominous. My brain wants to beat down this naivity of mine by saying he’s actually enjoying the slow destruction of self and I should just stop appearing so vulnerable, but I can’t quite believe that the person I fell in love with is capable of such a hurtful thing. I suppose it’s easier to believe that I was wrong in everything, and he nothing…but it’s not the truth and furthermore it’s not fair . But life isn’t fair right? And who’s to say that I don’t deserve to live a hallow life? My father used to say, “Who ever told you, you had the right to expect happiness?” Perhaps there is something to that. Perhaps when we try so hard to win the thing that makes us the MOST happy, we open ourselves up to even more misery. This has nothing to do with falling apart, and everything to do with realizing what you want out of life…and knowing that it’s gone for good. My heistation resulted in this predicament and now I want to change….invictus vitae nouva….but not if he won’t allow it. Every one I’ve known has let me down in some way…and when I perpetuate that cycle, by making mistake after mistake, how can I expect someone to love me without fail? It’s the little girl begging for attention, begging for assurance, for love unconditionally. My heart fights to stay pure and open, but I needed a second chance, not a miracle, just a moment…a moment to turn it all around.