Working full time for a non-profit and trying to maintain an online magazine is not easy. In fact, it’s really hard. I’m constantly fighting fatigue and trying to maintain some sort of steady posting schedule, while in the midst of applying to graduate school. (What on EARTH am I thinking?!)

The life of a freelance writer is no walk in the park, most of us dream of our own column to supplement our income and PRAY for enough spare time to do some grant seeking. For alot of it, those days never come. Our desire to be heard and to be considered relevant in today’s zeitgeist, is looming. And it’s exhausting trying to be clever all the time.

As it stands, I have a fellowship to apply for (with 4 different essays), my statement of purpose to complete, an article for The Brooklyn Rail to write, a pitch to Dance Magazine to develop, a speech to draft, and some major catch up pieces for Pro Diligo. It’s a good thing the Oxford-English Dictionary boasts something around 175,000 words in which to cherry pick from otherwise I’d be ripping my hair out of my head trying not to duplicate the words, “passion,” and “goal.” (Ugh.)

But even when I’m done with a piece, 99% of the time I think it’s crap and  wish I never hit that “send” button. Other times, I so tired of looking at my computer screen I’m not paying attention to the fact that hundreds, if not thousands, of people will be reading whatever nonsense I just put out into the world….so I just write until my word count is hit…which NEVER results in something I’m proud of.

And the thing is…I really LOVE it despite iteself. I love the noise the key pad makes when I’m typing. I love crafting a sentence that means EXACTLY what I want it to mean. The notes I get from friends and readers saying they know just what I’m feeling. Or when choreographers and dancers write to thank me for showing enough respect for their efforts not to toss careless and lazy criticism into the already dense mix. The ritual of making my Red Flower tea before sitting at my desk to begin the days work. There is a real sense of pride in all of that for me…

(All this beings said. Be patient with me, dear readers until February 1. I have to put my all into my graduate school application and after that, I promise to move Pro Diligo forward full speed ahead.)