I collapsed and fainted last night.

Being somewhat aware that you’re losing absolute control of your body so quickly is one of the most frightening things I’ve felt in a long time. I was walking to the water fountain…and suddenly I’m dizzy…things are blurring around me…my body is heating up and convulsing involuntarily. People are screaming “Are you ok?!”…I want to respond, but I can’t. Then I drop. Just like that. For no obvious reason. I woke up to three or four gentleman around me asking me simple questions, “Do you know where you are?” “What’s your name?” A humiliating parade of the police, EMS and the Fire Department ensues and I’m forced to answer the same serious of questions 4 times over. “Did you eat today?” “Did you drink enough water?” “Has this happened before?” “What were you doing when it happened?” The shakiness doesn’t entirely subside and the grand inquisition doesn’t help matters. All I wanted was to go home, but I couldn’t.

When I finally did get home I cried and whimpered almost the entire night. Moments like that, when your health fails, even if it’s a minor moment in time…it can make you realize how lucky you are in your life. How special the people around you are. How much they love you and care for you. You can see the worry in their face…they’re probably just as scared as you are. Bonds are made stronger in many cases.

Or, it can point out how alone you are. You spend those next few moments looking around for someone who’s actually concerned and just see annoyed faces and people following protocol. It’s isolating. You spend your whole life trying to show people how special they are to you, and when the time comes for reciprocity…you’re left to be guided down a hallway by a man you don’t know and made to feel like this spell was an inconvenience. I start to ponder  if it’s something in me that makes me so unlovable. Cast off to brave the worlds storms on my own. I know I have some karmic retribution coming my way…but coldness is something I don’t think I’ll ever understand. Being lonely is one thing, but when the time comes and it’s proven that you’re ALONE…I don’t know how to fix that.

I don’t have any pithy saying to wrap up any of this. My body is still worn out and I’m still trembling, 15 hours later. The only thing I feel as though I understand now is why kids concoct imaginary friends. It sounds like a bizarre epiphany to have as an adult, but when you’re sitting alone in a room and you desperately need some sort of affection…what else can you do but create something that isn’t there?