Every time the panic begins to set in–the fear that as I edge closer to 30 the chances of being alone forever increase exponentially–I remember that times have changed, people don’t marry in their 20′s anymore, and my mother’s barking slowly wanes to a dull chirp.

The lucky thing is that I found the man that I love, the man I want to marry and be with forever. The unlucky part is that he doesn’t want to marry me, and as it stands now, doesn’t want to date me either. We both messed up in our relationship; we just couldn’t get it together at the same time. Things were always off a degree or two, until finally he had had enough. No more chances.

I’ve grown up on the idea of “for better or worse,” worse being the more prominent. My parents stopped loving one another a long time ago, yet somehow they’ve endured. I always knew that I wanted something better, but never thought I’d wind up in a relationship with a different set of rules: “for better or until the road gets bumpy.”

And as I get older I don’t know if my tolerance has increased or decreased when it comes to matters of the heart. I know I used to be very carefree, “if he doesn’t want to be with me, then I don’t want to be with him.” Simple. Easy. Cut throat. But that’s not the case anymore. Suddenly, I’m fighting and begging and crying, traits I never had in my early years. It’s like I had a wake up call, and I’m sort of stumbling around, but…but I’m AWAKE. I am feeling things I wouldn’t allow myself to feel when everything had to be perfect. And it’s exhausting trying to be perfect all the time.

I finally met someone who doesn’t expect me to be, and I fell in love foolishly thinking it would be forever and I could put away my fears. I’d get criticisms from time to time, mostly about my eclectic wardrobe, but for the most part, he loved me despite myself. And I loved him. I do love him. I just couldn’t let it go, the need to control everything and I ruined things. It’s like this disease I have where everything has to be in place and I always have to smile and be the best at everything, but it just eats away at things until there’s nothing left.

At 10 years old I decided that if I’m always one step ahead of everyone, then things will be OK, now that I’m in my 20′s I realize that that’s bullshit. Life doesn’t work that way, LOVE doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you just have to let go. Really put yourself out there and stop trying to conduct the orchestra. The music will play, you just have to let it.