Joan Didion wrote, “Life changes in an instant.” She was right. Sort of (though certainly so in her own case). It seems to me that the reality is, when you’re pushing forward (or falling backward) for such a long period of time change FEELS instant, even though in reality it’s been an evolution .

A month ago I was still feeling the remnants of poor and rash decision making–in love, in work, and in friendship. Around this time last year I was so distraught I was making all sorts of bad choices just to force change. I needed a distraction from my life and  instead of thinking things through, I screwed up one thing after another and wound up miserable for an entire year.

But thankfully, hitting rock bottom allowed me to see what I really wanted out of life, and it wasn’t being unappreciated, bullied, or talked badly about. It wasn’t feeling the pangs of friendships and work relationships draped in jealousy. It wasn’t being loved by someone who wanted you to be “the one” so badly he refused to let you make mistakes without ultimatums. It took me a while to see that that was happening, that I didn’t like it and that I was just making a Tasmanian Devil mess out of my life and I needed to get it on track. I needed to BUILD, not demolish.

So here I am, only a few days away from the anniversary of “The Saddest Day of My Life,” and I feel good. Maybe not all day, every day, but for the most part. I’ve learned that not everyone is going to like me, and I’m not going to be forgiven for some things, that I made some wrong turns and let some people down that I really cared about and still care about, that I let myself down. I learned that it’s NOT OK to under value yourself and let people poke at your self esteem–that I’m actually a pretty smart girl with a good heart…and every day I work on making myself, my life and this city a little better.

Oscar Wilde said, “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” Here I am, about to begin graduate school, working on projects that fulfill me and with people I respect and admire, I’m surrounded by friends that love me, flaws and all…and I know, that if I never made those mistakes, I wouldn’t have grown up and I wouldn’t be happy. I’d be complacent, but I’d still be perched on the radiator sill looking out onto Houston street wanting more for myself.

I spent a year trying to reevaluate and grow up. I hope by my 30s, I get to the point where I don’t doubt myself and don’t hear those awful voices in the back of my head telling me I don’t know what I’m doing–that I don’t know how to survive in this world. I’m going to make mistakes and say stupid things, but I won’t have to sit in a room, alone, and wonder, “Am I a bad person?”